I don’t know what to call him anymore. He’s been my husband for 10 years. For two years before that, he was my boyfriend/partner. During the last 12 years, he’s been my something. He’s not my anything anymore. So what is he?
Husband? No.
Friend? No.
Ex? No.
Partner? No.
_____’s (insert child’s name) dad? I guess so?
In one conversation, I flip between still referring to him as my husband (legally, he is) to suddenly remembering he isn’t really my husband anymore then call him F’s dad; but no label feels quite right or quite true.
Most people in my circle know I’m going through a divorce (sorta hate that word right now, too!) which eliminates the dilemma I’m talking about; but there are times when I meet new people and it comes up that I was living overseas. Inevitably someone exclaims, “Oh! Wow! Why were you in Mynamar?”
The person asking has no idea what a loaded question that is. Words like marriage, wife, love, home, and family crumble in my mind: I end up shifting my feet and looking down at the ground. I don’t know what to say. There’s no need to tell a stranger my business yet simply by answering the question, I open myself up to more questions and more probing about my private life.
If I say I was in Myanmar with my husband, they’ll wonder where my husband is. Then they’ll ask me where he is. When they learn he’s still in Myanmar, I’ll either get a sympathy look or a confused look: neither are fun to deal with. Both have so far led to more awkward questions.
While setting-up car insurance the other day, I was asked what my marital status was. I said “um” a lot and mumbled something along the lines of, “Err … uh. Um … well…” until the insurance guy nicely said, “Well, it’s not like Facebook: We don’t offer an ‘it’s complicated’ definition for relationships.” I quipped back with, “You should.”
After being guided through a series of question minefields, we agreed to tick the “separated” box. (Which, by the way, cost me my “married discount.” Why do married people get discounts? Is there an implied judgment that separated/divorced/single people are less responsible and so drive recklessly? Do widowed people lose their discounts? Clearly – this is for another post.)
Separated by what, though, exactly? Physical distance. Goals. Hopes. Deepest desires. Intimacy. I could go on. Separated/separation seems to explain a lot; but it doesn’t explain how we’re not separated. We’re not separated through our daughter, our history, or even by love. (Maybe it would be more simple if you didn’t love your husband/ex/separated/child’s father person and if they didn’t sorta-kinda love you back, too.)
Labels pretty much suck and often don’t encapsulate the whole truth of a person or an experience (and certainly don’t mean you’re a better driver like the insurance companies seem to think!).
Maybe part of the problem is that society wants us to fit nicely into little boxes that everyone can understand – because “it’s complicated” is complicated … and most of us don’t do complicated well. Complexity isn’t easy and it takes effort to wrap your head around it. And let’s face it: Lots of people don’t want to know about your complex I-don’t-know-how-to-label-my-marital-status-mess.
So maybe next time someone asks why I was in Myanmar, I will have a down-and-dirty, bare-bones quick answer that doesn’t pique further interest (most of the interest is feigned anyway) and halt more inquiry.
Any suggestions?
If your relationship status has changed, how have you dealt with the feelings of what to call that person?
P.S. On July 3rd I made small edits to this piece to make it a little more clear that I struggle with labeling my marriage and what to call my husband when meeting strangers or dealing with agencies which require you to tick a box for your marital status.
I was advised, when I was getting divorced, to call the woman who became my ex wife by her name, no need for any other labels. That advice was given to me by a wondrous woman, I think you know her!
Tough times ahead and all I can suggest is that you spend as much energy as possible to keep anger out of the equation. The next few months are hard enough without being angry at the same time. Vicky also reminded me that the opposite of love is apathy not anger —remember what you said that love, kindness and beauty are everywhere. It's true
So, having gone through 2 1/2 divorces, my take is this. Until the divorce is final, your married. You need that time as a buffer to heal anyway. Plus, since divorce is sucky enough to deal with, it also helps the kids by showing that their parents (or at least one of them) can honor and respect what once was. It is also helpful to show the child that you can respect their other parent enough to acknowledge them respectfully. This really is respecting the child and showing them that as far as the child is concerned, there doesn't have to be any awkwardness involved regarding the other parent.
Once the divorce is final, user their name as mentioned by Peter (via you I surmise). And then keep in mind that how we address people can raise or diminish them and also help us to let go of what needs to be let go of.
If it helps, remember that if you grab a hot cookie sheet you let it go because of the pain involved. You then get the proper tools for handling it or you decide you don't need that cookie sheet and move on. Divorce hurts of course but the premise remains the same. The pain of dealing with the hurt caused may or may not be worth the effort required to obtain the correct tools. If it is, we get to enjoy the yummy cookies, if not, we make the choice to search for something else. That then is a choice and that is empowering and THAT is the path for healing. We just have to first reach a point when we can let go of the cookies or actively commit to obtaining the right tools so we don't keep getting burned. (Because that would be abuse and that is not acceptable)
Becky, I could have written this post! I have been separated from my was-band, as in, "was my husband" for a year and a half and it's gotten a bit easier, but I still stutter! Just happened the other night. We were at a dance show and the director came up and said, "I just spoke with your husband…" I let it go. I still can't say Ex. I hate that word. I usually say the kids Dad or Bill. We were together over 25 years. We grew up together. Although our marriage was a mutual separation, we still have our children together. We will always be connected. I have no real advice, but just wanted to give you some support, and love to my fellow Flyer sister!
Next time someone asks why you were in Myanmar, tell them just that…. it's complicated… No one is entitled to more than that, and you are entitled to your privacy. Love your blogs, by the way.
Anon.
Thank you, Pete + wondrous woman. 🙂
I think I'm doing OK on the anger part, though honestly, sometimes that creeps up: but that's part of the grieving process. I know it won't last when it comes. Most likely it will return at different intervals over the years. Then you have to let it go.
Thankfully, we're in an amicable situation. It's just tough to know what to refer him as to strangers, etc. They don't know his name + if I call him by that, it won't make sense. 🙂
Thank you for your comment, Jayson. I like the analogy of the cookie sheet. Yes, divorce is painful. I think some pieces of it require you to let go and other pieces may require you to deal directly with the hurt. Perhaps even the parts you deal with directly at first become things you let go later on and vice versa. All of it is nebulous and complicated which makes it not black + white. Sometimes it not being black + white can make it more of a challenge – especially with others.
I'm grateful that he and I are in an amicable relationship, but it's a relationship that has to be redefined and that isn't easy. I'm sure it will change over time as well.
In terms of saying someone is my husband until the divorce is final, I kind of disagree. Yes, we're married; but though we're still legally married, it doesn't mean that I have a husband (in terms of what being a husband really is) or that he has a wife (because I certainly can't act as his wife now). In the meantime, he and I both make sure that we're respectful towards one another and are very supportive of the relationship w/ our daughter and how we are to eachother (and how that impacts her). 🙂
Thank you very much, Anonymous. I like that answer. 🙂 Might just use that. Thank you! Also, happy to know you enjoy the blogs.
Hi Monica. 🙂
It must be awkward at times to know when and where to let it go re: the husband term. Also – can I just say that I lOVE the was-band word? lol
Totally get what you're saying about the word "ex." It seems cold.
25 years is a long time…I can only imagine how life has shifted for you over the last 1.5 years.
Thank you for your kind words and support. 🙂
<3
Hi Becky 🙂
Divorce is so hard and life altering. You believe you are on one path and then it shifts. Defining the past can be overwhelming and a source of continual stomach pains. I think that the term "ex" can be harsh as if that person occupied just a blip of your life when in fact they enveloped a part of who you once were. Those boxes, that our culture seems to require, can be hard to check because there is not a "name" or label for what he really is. I have a few former husbands…they both are a part of who I am now although I don't have a current relationship with either one. I like the term "former" as opposed to "ex" because I think it sounds a little less harsh…as if they were moved to a different place in my heart rather than harshly chopped away without value or importance. I wish you much love through all of this and know that, although the path is uncertain, the outcome will be one with no regrets! Happy Friday…Danee'
I don't have any answers but I want you to know I think of you often and hope that every day is a little better than the last. It is great that you are able to verbalize the your feelings and struggles. I know many of your readers identify with your experience and others gain new insights from the things you share. It seems from your FB posts that you and F are very well supported and loved…such a blessing. Hugs to you, sweet Becky.
Hi Becky,
I'm a stranger (to you anyway) and I came to your blog(s) while searching for ebooks on Burma. I found your "Moving to Myanmar" book, read your intro and clicked over to your blog with the reverse culture shock entry, then to your professional blog (btw, they are all professional IMHO) with the divorce story. So I got a snapshot of your last 10-12 years (more?) in less than two minutes. First I'm reading about your early life (in love, move to England, move to Ethiopia, move to Myanmar) and how you stress the importance of going to Myanmar with your own purpose (focus on becoming a writer, pursuing your art), the next you are worried about what to say when strangers ask you why you were in Myanmar and are so concerned that their focus will be on the husband that is no more.
Seriously, why would they? They are (I am) having a conversation with YOU. I want to know about YOU, YOUR experience, YOUR feelings, YOUR insights and yes, how YOU grew as a writer. I don't really care that you went because you were married to someone who got a job there. I am interested in YOU, not your husband. So unless you bring him up in our conversation, or allude to him in a way that makes him the topic of conversation, I am not really going to ask about him, except for perhaps in a polite way.
I believe that anyone who is genuinely interested in what your life in Myanmar was like (and probably not too many American women will be), are not too interested in getting all the details of the demise of your marriage, or even what mental state that has produced in you. They (I) want to know about "what was it like to live in Myanmar????" So unless you want to talk about how you are feeling as you go through your divorce, then don't. YOU are in charge of the conversation. YOU have all the power! Any answer you give to any given question can always be the answer to the question you wished they would have asked.
You may be familiar with the writer Ann Lamott who has written (and become famous) about writing about her personal life. I am blessed to live in the San Francisco Bay Area where many writers live and attended one of her readings. Someone in the audience asked her how she really feels about so many people knowing intimate details of her life. And you know what she said? "I don't write about anything, I don't want people to know about."
Well guess what? YOU're a writer. YOU decide what you want people to know about. YOU also decide what you tell people in conversation. Just because they ask, doesn't mean you have to tell them – anything.
I do not write to judge you, but hopefully to inspire you to reclaim your power. I know divorce can be tough, but it can also be an amazing learning experience. Thousands of women have gone through it and there is surely a support group out there for you if that's what you want. If you want to write about divorce and your emotional state, you owe it to your readers to convey your experience in a way, that they can not only relate to, (yes, you got the honest part down), but leaves them with some kind of hopeful, better yet inspirational insight. Which is what you did with the telling of "My Story" in the Moving to Myanmar book. If you hadn't done that, I wouldn't have bothered clicking on any other links.
So why did I bother taking the time to write all this to a stranger? Because there was a part of me that was yelling 'Becky, why are you relinquishing your power? You've had the courage and insight to do some amazing things, including setting yourself the goal to become a writer while immersed in a strange land. Stop it, stop it, stop it!' I believe strongly in uplifting and empowering others (female and male) wheneever possible. However, ultimately, only YOU can make the choice to own your inner power and strength and not to give it away to others because they asked you to.
Wishing you the courage to…